Things I learned from my Dad: Language is interesting

I didn't realize how fascinating language could be until I listened to my dad explain the meaning of words - things I had taken for granted as is. I didn't even realize how much I looked forward to learn new words and their meanings...until I did.

My first real English teacher was my dad - and my mom by association. At home, for reasons best known to my parents, we spoke English. My dad is very good with words - and not just using them in context, but explaining in some depth (that still awes me till today) their meanings. I took my classes for granted as they were not scheduled and usually informal, even sometimes inconvenient timings. But I remember having a feeling of relish for each new word I learned - from him or other media. I remember as a young teenager, keeping a journal of words and their meanings - my personal dictionary; subscribing to a mailing list (A Word A Day); reading books and stopping smack in the middle of a sentence, reaching for a dictionary to either confirm my suspicion or stand corrected on the meaning of the word. I didn't see it as a big deal, just a little girl trying her hands out on something that she felt compatible with.

Predictably, my best subject in school was language and I even chose french language over music during the final exams. My best teachers were my English teachers and I dare say both of them were similar in more ways than the subject they chose to teach - they were prim, proper and commanding respect from one and all. I liked English a lot as I understood the principles it worked on. Compared to mathematics, these principles seemed pretty straightforward and the most similarity I could was make out between both subjects was when I had to solve 'from first principles' (o how I loved to QED!).

I grew up in Lagos and around Yorubas. Like many Lagos-born-other-tribe-children, i learned Yoruba. First the basics and then a little more. I was particularly interested in knowing the meaning of words, as this meant my chances of correctly decoding a new word was higher but more importantly because I felt more intimate with the language and its people. My language was a different matter in a slightly different way: I took it for granted mostly that I would always understand as I was 'nwa afo' but to my shame, my dad never stops pulling out new and intimidating words from his vocabulary.

Maybe my interest in learning about words (which translated to my love on a play of words) lent me the guts to write (and hence my blogging, a weak attempt at writing a novel at 12, keeping countless diaries/journals), sometimes I think it is an illusion but yet still my love for these words and learning, have anything but diminished. So imagine why I will brag about things I learned from my dad when he still has more to teach me about language - english, igbo...- even now! He is a good teacher, and the one with the longest tenure in my life.

Hate in your heart

I have listened/read/observed many 'sermons' about hatred and anger.

The one that stands out the most in my memory is the one by TD Jakes "Let it go!"

Why the focus on hate?


The one thing I can count on for reassurance in this world filled with unending chaos and man's wickedness to man, is love - God's love - the fact that it is unconditional and all encompassing.

Furthermore, my ability to love someone (and be loved) and knowing how it feels to think about the person being happy, the good memories we made, the joy they bring and an anticipation of future memories we will create....


Coming from this background and knowing that the opposite of love is hate, is there a grey area that we can all safely agree on? Like/dislike is the word I am looking for here!

Back to the black and white.... if love generates such warmth, it is needless to say what hate does. As an averagely careful person (yeah, I am always personalizing my posts), I rarely use the word hate. Off the top of my head I can't even think of someone I will use the word 'intense dislike' to describe. There are many synonyms to hate, as there is to about anything which carries with it such finality:

• abhorrence
• detest
• disdain
• disgust
• odium
• aversion

and the list goes on and on and on...

I have used many of these words a lot more than i have used the word hate - more times than I care to admit. I notice that hate, impatience and anger form a tripod of sorts: each feeding the other and feeding off each other.

This feeling of hate (in any  of its variants) causes restlessness and ultimately ill health if harbored for long.

So how do you know you have hate in your heart? When the thought of seeing someone unnerves you in a bad way and the thoughts running around in your mind are harmful to them, when the news of someone's success fills you with the opposite of gladness, when you are rehearsing your reaction to someone in anticipation of meeting with them just so you don't overreact in a bad way (possibly because of past meetings), when you take another street or side street to avoid someone or fake a phone call just so you don't say hi. All these are pointers to the fact that you are uncomfortable with someone and would rather not have to deal with them - which is a human thing. But the extent and frequency with which we perform these and many more similar actions and to particular people, is a pointer to the increasing dislike which always tends to hatred. More importantly, the thoughts that run in our subconscious towards such people is more the distinguishing factor between mere anxiety and progressive hatred.

I did not intend to preach, just share. I wish I could say I am hate-free. Far from it. I am struggling but I realize the problem is half-solved: I have identified the problem and working on it. I think the best way to deal with hate is to nip it in the bud and determinedly not feed it. If you are at the early stages where you are not even sure what is going on, you should put it on a figurative shelf where it is not easily forgotten - to deal with when you are in a better place - and watch it until you are sure it was just a one off so it doesn't turn to a case of drinking poison and expecting that someone would die from it.

Selah

Father's day again

He may not be the best dad in the world
But he is the only one I know
And I think I got the best deal possible

He inspires by words and examples
He is generous soul, always sharing - always giving
He is prudent and unassuming
He is witty and wise

He loves the Lord and puts his money (time) where his mouth (heart) is
He is a protector, a provider and a nuturer
He challenges me to be better than I am
He encourages me in my endeavors
He shields me from the evils of this world as much as anyone can
He teaches me

Yet he lets me speak my mind and he listens without being dismissive
Still I am his little girl - the princess who should never forget that
He is my number 1 mentor
The one who I compare all the other men to
The one who I am proud to be called his daughter!

I pray...
For strength to your limbs
For continual wisdom
For renewal of your faith
For a long and happy life ahead
For smiles both in your heart and on your face
That you feel fulfilled in all your giving and receiving

Bless you dearest Daddy

From 2013 still

So I have missed out many opportunities to share.

About the airport in Walvis Bay versus the kota kinabalu airport; the review of ‘there was once a country’ and following through with the irony of colonization and immigration; about chimmamanda and her hairtitude and the disappointment on watching her interview on BBC; a review of americanah and how its story is that of many of us; on my extreme sensitivity on how people behave towards me, avoid me, ignore me, bully me and maybe the real whys behind it-maybe related to my hair ( I sang that song for a long time ‘I am not my hair’ so I know). Maybe an expose on what I really want to do – what my inner pilot says I shd do – d mistake I am going to make! Also on the opportunities I have misused.

On Americanah!

A very funny book. I found myself laughing carelessly or I should say unashamedly in public while reading this book. I remember 2 incidents: on the train and on the plane seating beside a snobbish portugese couple. Infact, the whole plane was an invasion of snubs. So maybe I laughed a lil too hard because the book I was enjoying was telling a funny story about them from OUR perspective. You know, I am kinda uneasy at CNA’s audacity only for me to realize that it is exactly the same audacity the Westerners have always had – a presumptuous superiority that enables them tell our story from their perspective. Again, like Prof Chinua insisted, there is nothing like the end of the story, you tell your own and let me tell my own. Hopefully in all of the tellings the whole picture will emerge or stand a lil bit closer to truth.  I think CNA has done something very profound by Americanah. Let’s let it out in the open – we can: speak English, have opinions and express ourselves. We have feelings and as recipients of condescension (some of it with good reason e.g. mediocrity of Nigerians) we can reciprocate or at least respond with same feelingness.

I am so excited today that I finally made good on my desire to go to the gym. This is probably the first time I am going to the gym this year - and to think it is almost half year.

First about today:

I will say today is one of the more productive days I have had in a long time (as far as I can remember). Productive, I said. Not pleasant or happy or fulfilling - just a feel-good-rewarding day. It started off as a day that would see me overwhelmed at work and that means it started off on a not-too-good note. Somehow, I determined that I would work to eliminate the workload and with it the attending stress/possibility of stress.

So I set about the many tasks of the day. I must confess I was miffed at the slow pace which I believe was self-inflicted, unjustifiable and a mockery to my diligence. I guess you can say I was justifiably upset. But achieving a set goal in the midst of setbacks is for sure a morale booster. See as I just de tick off on my to-do list.... At the end of the day I had to be careful not to do too much - I heard the mockery in the 'voice' of my appraisal "You have to work smart and not work hard".Anyways, at the end of the day I was raring to go and especially as I had set my mind to also go to the gym!

This brings me to the second thing. The Gym:

I only ever see the insides of a gym while I am at work. It is an acquired taste. One that I cannot seem to replicate when I get home, try as much as I want - and I have not really tried. The acquisition of the taste was borne out of two things: as a method of survival and as a 'forming activity something'. The survival bit, because the need to take fresh air and clear the head while at work becomes mandatory for continued sanity and marginally acceptable mannerisms. There are several activities that one can take part in to make time pass quicker. For a girl surrounded by hard-core men, I came to realize that I am NOT a tomboy. Football and video games don't interest me. And nope, I don't like playing foosball either-at least not with the seriousness I've seen it played. I don't mind watching sha.

Quote of the day: a bad workman...

They say a bad work man quarrels with his tools

and it seems that is what I am all about here but maybe I really have the wrongest part of this job. 

Maybe I should throw the towel in and go home to my babies. Huh?

It’s not me joor! Or maybe I should say it is not just me. 

On this Father's day

Predictably, all the BB DPs and FB statuses announced the occasion in one form or the other. Some in honor of the day, some as a subtle warning and yet others in disclaimer mode!

I remembered my dad on this day especially as we sang "Lord for tomorrow and its needs, I do not pray" in church. If I needed any reminding, this did it.

I have some vivid memories of how we spent our evenings at home while I was growing up. There were days we spent in front of the TV watching mexican soaps and Nigerian sitcoms - laughing or wiping off the occasional tear. On the occasions when there was no power, it would seem we had more fun - entertaining ourselves, arguing and singing. My dad came home one of such evenings from church  when there was no power and we all were gathered in the sitting room gisting and eventually singing when my dad insisted on teaching us this song. Insisted because everyone seemed to have a couple of songs they wanted to sing that evening and this 'new' song was not on the list - I think he made us sing all the verses of the song (later we would jest him for the way he pronounced tomorrow as 't-morrow').

So singing this song on Father's day definitely brought a smile to my face and got me thinking 'what do Fathers have to offer these days?'. I'm sorry if that came across as confrontational but it is a heartfelt question. Roles are not as defined as they used to be and I wonder if we are doing enough to adjust our lifestyles to accommodate these changes that have been forced upon us by the times.

My dad and I have a few things in common - he is an enigma. A staunch Igbo man, apologetic but who gave all his plenty plenty daughters the chance/choice of great education early in life. He believes the woman's place is in the home and that the man's place is not far from home either. He does not subscribe to subservience - not in women, not at all - humility is not subservience. He does not talk only intelligent things with 'the boys' and 'kitchen stuff with the girls - maybe it helps that the boys are outnumbered. He tries to be fair and share what he has. He is a great lesson in openness.

Belatedly, on this celebration of Father's day, I join my voice in celebration of the many great Fathers, the many best dads in the world, of whom my Dad is arguably the best and say 'Well doing, well done!'.

Ready, Steady ...Action!

I have heard this severally: 'Actions speak louder than words' - I am sure you heard it too.

Is it fair to assess people based on what they say only, what they do only or a mixture of both? What if there is a conflict (as there usually is) between both words and action? Aha, and what of those things yet unsaid? The body language that is as silent as holding a breath?

People do things sometimes without thinking. Some people are naturally like that - impulsive, rash and even out rightly stupid. Some other people are more deliberate, the ones you have to step back from the moment to truly understand what they are on about - sometimes it'd have been already too late before you get to the 'aha!' moment, other times you never get there and have no clue that you are not there. Those are the ones I like to call shrewd. Of course there are some others who do things thoughtfully, ever so careful not to hurt/deface. I know a few people that fall under all categories, but till date the ones that I am most unforgiving towards are the shrewd people.

Based on the first statement, I guess we can safely divide people into 2 broad categories - action people and wordy people. There might even be a third category somewhere in there but I'd keep it simple.

Let me start from the relatively known: me. So I like to talk .... about me, whatever it is that catches my fancy at the time  - but I think if there was one thing I like to talk about, it is people and relationships: the whys and what-nots behind them. This does not make me a 'talker' in the strict sense of the word - I have met people who talk for the world and I KNOW for sure I am not one of them! So does that make me a doer? I think so - at least in the scale of things here. Although I find that I like to talk about things I want to do and sometimes many times I don't go through with what I spoke about because I 'heard' myself out or I got discouraged etc.On the other hand, I tend to judge people based on what they do, not say. Good intentions, in my dictionary, doesn't account for much - action does. I guess I do not mind being judged in the same manner.

I started posting this a few days ago because I remembered a few of my many-promises-friends with no action-all talk, no action. I guess I have been conditioned to drive a hard bargain over the years when it comes to relationships so that when it comes to making a clear distinction, there are people that make the ever decreasing list of friends and there are people who just exist as once-upon-a-time friends etc. Mostly, this is based on who does what they said they will do and nothing more. Like I've said several times over the past years "If it is important to you, you'd find time to do it. If it not important, you'd find excuses not to" and also "the most useless thing ever manufactured was excuse".

I wonder if I come across as more of an 'action' person as against a 'talk' person. I know, I have many an unfulfilled promises myself but I'd say at least I try. But I can't be judge and jury, can I? Sue me!