I 'don't mind ' being grateful, it is just that I forget. I am so preoccupied being irritated and dwelling on all the injustice that has been meted out on me. On the less-than-ideal situations I keep finding myself, on the seeming aimlessness I feel about my career and personal life, on the wannabe relationships I keep getting involved in, on those mistakes I can't seem to stop making despite my efforts, on the misconceptions of people and the fact that I am not ordinarily interested in correcting those misconceptions....You can see for yourself that there is little space/emotion left to be grateful.
In the rare occasion I entertain that feeling (mostly in Church or around Christian music), I realize I have been blessed and I should learn to count my blessings 'cos they count! The feeling that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, is kind of difficult for me to take in - at this point in my life, I feel I could do so much more - that time is ticking and I am not doing enough. Nonetheless, I have not had a moment's rest - it's been one project or the other and a million setbacks in between- still I feel like an under achiever (yep, I said it).
2 things have happened since the beginning of this week. I told my sister about my day yesterday (Sunday) and she replied "wow!". From my usual routine of un-eventfulness, I had done so much and I was feeling good with myself. I went to church and was surrounded by 'my people' - it felt like I was back home because they were celebrating African Sunday. Then the lady sitting on the pew in front of me told me after mass "You lifted my spirit with your voice". I had tears in my eyes and I said thank you. I enjoy singing and even though I have an ear for good music (whatever that means), I formed the habit of singing in parts- usually alto. This can be annoying - hahaha! So I had a proper Sunday yesterday - Sunday rice, Mass, Siesta, TV and good night! What more could I have asked for?
Today, one of my better friends - who usually is a one liner - started this conversation without me preempting it. "Your conclusion that you are not getting married is a bit hasty". To which I replied with a "?" For a full minute I scrolled back up through our more recent conversation - nada! I scrolled mentally through any discussions I might have had with him recently, still nada! I began to suspect it was a mistake on his part - probably the message was meant for someone else. That would have been weird because I'd have guessed he had too few friends like me, if any. Anyways, he just kept on talking on how I was a great person and would make a great wife!!!! even though I too form independence and how I should not despair.... He went on and on, undeterred that I was not taking him serious - I asked him questions like "who de teach you how to be yarning these sweet nothings?", "next you'll tell me when and whom you are getting married to, innit?" and when I realized he was serious, I became worried - "are you alright? Did something happen?" Anyways, it gladdened my heart when he said those things to me. It made me feel good! The power of the spoken word!
