I remember mentally and vigorously nodding my head when I watched the movie (and now I forget the name of the movie) where the young boy felt and acted invisible-that was me! Somewhere between when I watched that movie and now, I have kinda perfected the art of being invisible.
It behooves me to say this, but I wasn't always a drawn-in, moody-swingy girl, full of introspective (sometimes over analytically inspired) insights. I used to be playful and naughty...until I grew up or like I like to say, life happened to me. Actually, it didn't happen in one instance...it must have been very subtle, seemingly disjointed events that led me into being this morose chic, who has the potential of a great smile but by default always wears a frown and a defensive demeanor.
So, i am broody. If you are looking for a picture of broody, Google me while I am at work...(Don't try that at home!). It is not like I like to form seriousness at work and not relax, because I actually like listening to music and gisting etc. However, I was quick to realize that the atmosphere changes in a split second and without warning. So I have been forewarned and that is my fore-arming. So in the absence of music (which calms my nerve generally) and general gist (which is not general these days as I can't seem to relate with what these people are saying and usually come off either annoyed, clueless or seemingly shallow), I am left with silence and browsing the 'net (if I dare). That is when I ignore completely what is going on around me-an act which I have sadly perfected.
Until recently, I was fine with it until I realized I was being ignored! Tufiakwa! Did I fume? "How dare...wait a minute, you started it first m'dear!" It really is not nice being paid back in your own coin even if you paid with good intentions. I guess!
The reason for this post was sparked when one cool-looking dude at the office (a big boss by the way) for want of something to do, walked up to me to make small talk while hanging around for his other important colleagues to get in. I realized that he was an uncomfortable position and felt sorry for him. I tried to do the small talk but couldn't make it past two sentences before we lapsed into uncomfortable silence. That's the difference between me and them - I am so not diplomatic and do as I will, no need for unnecessary nicieties. Please call the brain doctor - this lady here might need some help
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
Good for nothing
I read this book by Neil T Anderson in 2011: Who I Am in Christ.
It was refreshing, to say the least. It made me understand that I Am is my Father and thus I am good enough-all the time.
It hurt a lot, also because it came at a bad time as I was dealing with a number of uncertainties plus the uncomfortable situation I chose to live under at home. It started off on my prompting as I was bitching about something and somebody else and the reasons they were pissing me off. All that I was trying to do was vent and maybe get someone on my side and put the person under check. Alas! it was not to be so as there was a full U-Turn that seemed to be targeted at me.
In summary, I found out that I was basically a ne'er do well in their opinion. And it hurt. For days onward I couldn't snap out of the implication of me being a ne'er do well and worse, just finding it out, just confirming it. I actually agreed with the person to a certain extent and that, my friends, made it worse. It kinda resonated with what a lot of people I have met and worked with have said explicitly or by inference. It hurt menh especially coming from close quarters.
So I sulked and withdrew and doubted and accepted that as a fact and snapped at anyone and everyone...I carried it around for days and it made everything else I had been dealing with magnify in comparison to what they were before. I kept wondering what I'd been up to all these years and how come all my 'good intentions' were summarily dismissed as useless - and menh! have I been struggling?
Then I remembered 'who I am in Christ'. And all I can say is: I am good enough all the time! I hope I don't let anyone convince me different ever!
It was refreshing, to say the least. It made me understand that I Am is my Father and thus I am good enough-all the time.
It hurt a lot, also because it came at a bad time as I was dealing with a number of uncertainties plus the uncomfortable situation I chose to live under at home. It started off on my prompting as I was bitching about something and somebody else and the reasons they were pissing me off. All that I was trying to do was vent and maybe get someone on my side and put the person under check. Alas! it was not to be so as there was a full U-Turn that seemed to be targeted at me.
In summary, I found out that I was basically a ne'er do well in their opinion. And it hurt. For days onward I couldn't snap out of the implication of me being a ne'er do well and worse, just finding it out, just confirming it. I actually agreed with the person to a certain extent and that, my friends, made it worse. It kinda resonated with what a lot of people I have met and worked with have said explicitly or by inference. It hurt menh especially coming from close quarters.
So I sulked and withdrew and doubted and accepted that as a fact and snapped at anyone and everyone...I carried it around for days and it made everything else I had been dealing with magnify in comparison to what they were before. I kept wondering what I'd been up to all these years and how come all my 'good intentions' were summarily dismissed as useless - and menh! have I been struggling?
Then I remembered 'who I am in Christ'. And all I can say is: I am good enough all the time! I hope I don't let anyone convince me different ever!
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Ebube dike!
What else can I call it but coincidence? Actually, I feel 'involved' as a result of this coincidence. Although I am still in the process of finding out what I am called to.
What am I rambling on about? It is fair that I reveal what goes on at the back of my mind in the next sentence - yeah?
Chinualumogu Achebe is the one wielding the power to draw me out of my incommunicado'ness'. The fact that I can address a Nigerian 85 year old man by his known names - no other salutations attached to - is a sign of some breath-of-fresh-air simplicity.
I have not been much a Nigerian/African literature reader. My first readings were compulsory and as such I read to fulfill all righteousness, so I could pass my English Lit exams. My thoughts while I read most of them was 'boring', 'too basic', 'not intellectually stimulating' etc. I read a few that stimulated me, notably amongst them was Time Changes Yesterday. If memory serves me right, Enitan was the protagonist. It was refreshing. At the time, I can say I was cultivating my reading habit. I was reading Mills and Boons and a few James Hardley Chase, some Enid Blyton and sparsely Famous Five etc. So in comparison with the African counterpart, Western reads seemed better-more suited to my 'taste'. For one, I learned new words and went on fantasies with the author to places I would not have had the privilege to be.
Then by some stroke of 'fate' which I cannot quite recall in exact detail, and ironically while I was far away from home, I found Chinua again. I bought a copy of the trilogy: things fall apart, arrow of God and no longer at ease - from amazon at the same time i bought a copy of his latest effort: there was a country. I suspect that the flurry of activities surrounding the book piqued my interest. I must have decided to get some background on the guy's work by reading his previous books. Interesting stuff summarizes my reaction.
So many eulogies have been rendered on his demise. This is my 2 cents in hailing the fearless story teller who represented many things I am drawn to. Rest In Peace Prof!
And my book mark Quotes
What am I rambling on about? It is fair that I reveal what goes on at the back of my mind in the next sentence - yeah?
Chinualumogu Achebe is the one wielding the power to draw me out of my incommunicado'ness'. The fact that I can address a Nigerian 85 year old man by his known names - no other salutations attached to - is a sign of some breath-of-fresh-air simplicity.
I have not been much a Nigerian/African literature reader. My first readings were compulsory and as such I read to fulfill all righteousness, so I could pass my English Lit exams. My thoughts while I read most of them was 'boring', 'too basic', 'not intellectually stimulating' etc. I read a few that stimulated me, notably amongst them was Time Changes Yesterday. If memory serves me right, Enitan was the protagonist. It was refreshing. At the time, I can say I was cultivating my reading habit. I was reading Mills and Boons and a few James Hardley Chase, some Enid Blyton and sparsely Famous Five etc. So in comparison with the African counterpart, Western reads seemed better-more suited to my 'taste'. For one, I learned new words and went on fantasies with the author to places I would not have had the privilege to be.
Then by some stroke of 'fate' which I cannot quite recall in exact detail, and ironically while I was far away from home, I found Chinua again. I bought a copy of the trilogy: things fall apart, arrow of God and no longer at ease - from amazon at the same time i bought a copy of his latest effort: there was a country. I suspect that the flurry of activities surrounding the book piqued my interest. I must have decided to get some background on the guy's work by reading his previous books. Interesting stuff summarizes my reaction.
So many eulogies have been rendered on his demise. This is my 2 cents in hailing the fearless story teller who represented many things I am drawn to. Rest In Peace Prof!
And my book mark Quotes
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