Good for nothing

I read this book by Neil T Anderson in 2011: Who I Am in Christ.

It was refreshing, to say the least. It made me understand that I Am is my Father and thus I am good enough-all the time.

It hurt a lot, also because it came at a bad time as I was dealing with a number of uncertainties plus the uncomfortable situation I chose to live under at home. It started off on my prompting as I was bitching about something and somebody else and the reasons they were pissing me off. All that I was trying to do was vent and maybe get someone on my side and put the person under check. Alas! it was not to be so as there was a full U-Turn that seemed to be targeted at me.

In summary, I found out that I was basically a ne'er do well in their opinion. And it hurt. For days onward I couldn't snap out of the implication of me being a ne'er do well and worse, just finding it out, just confirming it. I actually agreed with the person to a certain extent and that, my friends, made it worse. It kinda resonated with what a lot of people I have met and worked with have said explicitly or by inference. It hurt menh especially coming from close quarters.

So I sulked and withdrew and doubted and accepted that as a fact and snapped at anyone and everyone...I carried it around for days and it made everything else I had been dealing with magnify in comparison to what they were before. I kept wondering what I'd been up to all these years and how come all my 'good intentions' were summarily dismissed as useless - and menh! have I been struggling?

Then I remembered 'who I am in Christ'. And all I can say is: I am good enough all the time! I hope I don't let anyone convince me different ever!

Ebube dike!

What else can I call it but coincidence? Actually, I feel 'involved' as a result of this coincidence. Although I am still in the process of finding out what I am called to.

What am I rambling on about? It is fair that I reveal what goes on at the back of my mind in the next sentence - yeah?

Chinualumogu Achebe is the one wielding the power to draw me out of my incommunicado'ness'. The fact that I can address a Nigerian 85 year old man by his known names - no other salutations attached to - is a sign of some breath-of-fresh-air simplicity.



I have not been much a Nigerian/African literature reader. My first readings were compulsory and as such I read to fulfill all righteousness, so I could pass my English Lit exams. My thoughts while I read most of them was 'boring', 'too basic', 'not intellectually stimulating' etc. I read a few that stimulated me, notably amongst them was Time Changes Yesterday. If memory serves me right, Enitan was the protagonist. It was refreshing. At the time, I can say I was cultivating my reading habit. I was reading Mills and Boons and a few James Hardley Chase, some Enid Blyton and sparsely Famous Five etc. So in comparison with the African counterpart, Western reads seemed better-more suited to my 'taste'. For one, I learned new words and went on fantasies with the author to places I would not have had the privilege to be.

Then by some stroke of 'fate' which I cannot quite recall in exact detail, and ironically while I was far away from home, I found Chinua again. I bought a copy of the trilogy: things fall apart, arrow of God and no longer at ease - from amazon at the same time i bought a copy of his latest effort: there was a country. I suspect that the flurry of activities surrounding the book piqued my interest. I must have decided to get some background on the guy's work by reading his previous books. Interesting stuff summarizes my reaction.

So many eulogies have been rendered on his demise. This is my 2 cents in hailing the fearless story teller who represented many things I am drawn to. Rest In Peace Prof!

And my book mark Quotes

Words spoken graciously...edify

Gratitude is  a special feeling. Gratitude in the face of adversity, even more so. No wonder the bible say to give thanks in everything.

I 'don't mind ' being grateful, it is just that I forget. I am so preoccupied being irritated and dwelling on all the injustice that has been meted out on me. On the less-than-ideal situations I keep finding myself, on the seeming aimlessness I feel about my career and personal life, on the wannabe relationships I keep getting involved in, on those mistakes I can't seem to stop making despite my efforts, on the misconceptions of people and the fact that I am not ordinarily interested in correcting those misconceptions....You can see for yourself that there is little space/emotion left to be grateful. 

In the rare occasion I entertain that feeling (mostly in Church or around Christian music), I realize I have been blessed and I should learn to count my blessings 'cos they count! The feeling that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, is kind of difficult for me to take in - at this point in my life, I feel I could do so much more - that time is ticking and I am not doing enough. Nonetheless, I have not had a moment's rest - it's been one project or the other and a million setbacks in between- still I feel like an under achiever (yep, I said it). 

2 things have happened since the beginning of this week. I told my sister about my day yesterday (Sunday) and she replied "wow!". From my usual routine of un-eventfulness, I had done so much and I was  feeling good with myself. I went to church and was surrounded by 'my people' - it felt like I was back home because they were celebrating African Sunday. Then the lady sitting on the pew in front of me told me after mass "You lifted my spirit with your voice". I had tears in my eyes and I said thank you. I enjoy singing and even though I have an ear for good music (whatever that means), I formed the habit of singing in parts- usually alto. This can be annoying - hahaha! So I had a proper Sunday yesterday - Sunday rice, Mass, Siesta, TV and good night! What more could I have asked for?

Today, one of my better friends - who usually is a one liner - started this conversation without me preempting it. "Your conclusion that you are not getting married is a bit hasty". To which I replied with a "?" For a full minute I scrolled back up through our more recent conversation - nada! I scrolled mentally through any discussions I might have had with him recently, still nada! I began to suspect it was a mistake on his part - probably the message was meant for someone else. That would have been weird because I'd have guessed he had too few friends like me, if any. Anyways, he just kept on talking on how I was a great person and would make a great wife!!!! even though I too form independence and how I should not despair.... He went on and on, undeterred that I was not taking him serious - I asked him questions like "who de teach you how to be yarning these sweet nothings?", "next you'll tell me when and whom you are getting married to, innit?" and when I realized he was serious, I became worried - "are you alright? Did something happen?" Anyways, it gladdened my heart when he said those things to me. It made me feel good! The power of the spoken word!

everything you need?

u will be m-i-n-e mine
and i'd be y-o-u-r yours
i l-o-v-e love u
all the t-i-m-e time

u are the b-e-s-t best
of all the r-e-s-t rest
i l-o-v-e love u
all the time, time time....

she holds out her heart in her hands and looks deep into his eyes, searching. the "i love you" is believable but she wants more. True, her heart is not a pretty sight-it's been pummeled and bandaged, broken and glued back severally over the years. Yet she dares give it out again. The difference this time, is that she intends to part with all of it-no holds barred. So it is understandable that she searches earnestly for this reassurance from him. The painful past had taught her many-a-thing, one of which is that when love goes sour, it hardly is ever intentional: when someone told her "the last thing i'd do is break your heart", she didn't realize he meant it, till he made good on his promise.

Cautiously, ever so cautiously, she yielded to the dating game and now she was in it-hook, line and sinker. The past however came knocking again and with it, the fear of being hurt. Thoughts flooding in.. "will i be enough for him? Enough to make him stay -today, tomorrow and the tomorrows after?", "do i have enough to keep him- and me - together and happy or is this just a flash in the pan, like many a-relationship?" as much as she wants to be friend and lover to him, everything he needs from a companion, is that what he wants, is that what they will get? wait, wait! does she even want him to be her best friend and lover? she used to be an advocate of separating one from he other as a fail safe measure in the case one or the other fails?

"why now?" he asks. she replies:

 i ask now, because i still have my heart in my hands and am able to deal with the rejection better at this stage. say "no" please if you have any iota of doubt that we will be fine together - that i'd be everything you need. say "no" if you think we have insurmountable hurdles ahead-be it religion, tribe/race, background or personalities, past or future mistakes, family or friendships. it'd hurt now, but better now than later. it'd hurt, but not any worse than the past hurts i endured.

i ask because i have only one thing to give in this relationship - 100%. And what's more? I expect same in return. even if it does not come naturally to give it, i'm willing to take the chance this once. the worst part is that i'm convinced i am making a mistake and i am drowning out the still small voice or is it the gremlin? so here i am, all vulnerable but strong enough to deal with the truth-wake me up if i am dreaming! 

this and that

I came by a post recently, it was not the first time I'd come across it but it is apt as an entree ...

Picture an old man and woman walking down a long road together, obviously comfortable in each other's company. Even though that is about all that is shown in the picture, one can't help but leave with the impression that the two people had weathered storms, had had a long journey together to get to where they were at the time, a sense of contentment, wear and tear but still a settled feeling. Then the words under the picture: "We come from a generation where if something is not working we fix it and not throw it away".

Celine Dion sang (when she used to sing I guess) "when i fall in love, it will be forever!" Amen I say to that. Did I hear many people snicker? I kuku no blame anybody. 

To the subject under scrutiny. Now, I don't know the exact right way to ask this question, so please bear with the many variants-just extract the gist as you go, if yo will.
Is it okay to go into a relationship with the end in mind (and if the end in mind is marriage, I hear you are a desperado-meaning if the reverse is the case you are a player I guess)? Is it okay to get married knowing that divorce is an option? - I have always presume people dating will have broached the topic if only for its own sake. Knowing full well that everything I want in my partner is most likely not found in one person, how much compromise should I make? In making those compromises, what should guide me and knowing that people change, how much lee way should I give in my future expectations of them changing? More importantly, when is enough, enough-when should the towel be thrown in, or is it literally for life-mine or theirs?

I have observed, and I stand corrected, that what is good for the goose is not good for the gander. My take on this is that 'na gander cause the imbalance-na my fault!' Lemme expound on my musings abeg. For instance, take this comparison: When a man decides to marry, I find that he searches and usually narrows his hopefuls to a few (excuse my generalizations but try follow my point based on the 'average' guy). I find that there is hardly a one that marries 'clean' in the sense that guys usually have one or two hung up relationships either unwittingly or deliberately needing closure-for 'emergency' sake? Then the few who came in with 'clean hands' may start indulging in the feast of dating after they 'secure their booty'.On the other hand, women have a different script to follow...If she is ready to marry, she hints the guy she hopes to settle with that it is his call to 'bell the cat'. If for some reason he doesn't take the hint, she decides to settle for the 'other' who is not as desirable but at least is serious enough. Usually a woman's options in need of closure, boil down to the one guy who she really enjoys being with but who, did not or could not reciprocate the feelings in a timely manner.Having said that, all I am inferring is that for the average woman, the only thing in need of closure is the spark ignited by the man of her dreams. The tendency that she wanders in search of 'new' trouble is not non existent, but generally not the norm.  

Another poignant example is this: Nobody wants to date a married woman-in the Nigeria/African context, it is a taboo of sorts. However, it is as if a man does not become eligible until he marries/starts preparing to settle down...then every other chic takes a second, wistful look. 

Also, the society expects that when a woman gets married she gives up on her preferences - to have fun, to dress up like a 'chic', to hang out with friends (male and female alike) and automatically dons responsibility and home management skills. Alas, the reverse is almost the expectation for guys - it is alright to hang out with the boys (the same unmarried ones you used to chase girls with a few months ago), stay out late having fun without her (your responsible marriage material wife), dress like a 'guy', and leave the home front running (including your meals and laundry) to your househelp -erm I mean helpmate.

I am sad some because I realize, like I said earlier...na women be the cause of our problems. Why we don't stick together like the men and make a taboo of dating married men eludes me. I guess that is why it is a man's world. You know what they say about it being more difficult to break a broom when it is bunched together versus a broom stick?

Lastly, though I have come almost full circle : from giving divorce a 50% chance of happening in my marriage, to 100% accepting that I am willing to make things workout for my marriage and will try to now being back to giving divorce just a little less than 50%, as I realize that marriage is important and the most subtle force in making the world a better place as God intended, I wont delude myself that if my relationship makes me feel like less of a woman/person I'd stay forever. I wish I could say I am of the generation of fixers of relationships... I hope I don't have to prove anything either way. 

Testimony

It might be a small feat achieved but it is by no means any less a feat. The importance of gratitude, as I am in the process of realizing fully, cannot be underestimated and makes the difference a lot of times between 'to be or not to be'. This more so when it, gratitude, is being accorded to the right person...

This testimony (bland post title I agree), culminates in this fact - You can do it, so just do it! If it seems the road is blocked, know it is one of two things-the road will give way eventually to you as a matter of time, or there is another route to that destination where you are headed. The fact that you can dream it up, means only one thing...you can!

The tears and heartache you encounter on your way there should not serve as a deterrence. I pray for wisdom to know when to throw in the towel. This one is of grave importance too. People will serve you pity, veiled insolence, impatience, disdain...people will out rightly bring you down too-all of this either true in its entirety or some of it is perceived/inflicted by you.

Na so my story be o! I used to sleep a solid 10hrs, mostly out of exhaustion-emotional & physical. You could relate with this on a work level or relationship level if you like. That was my way of fighting - or more like not fighting - the situation. I just wanted to sleep right through all of it and for as long as I could. I fought when I wasn't sleeping - not physically though. Trust self-doubt to creep in, trust fear to lodge itself a happy camper at my bedpost, trust those late nights/early morning frustrating musings to snatch the restive sleep I was trying to indulge in. Will I forget the many tears I shed alone-I mean ALONE? I could dwell on the experience as I am wont to but I remember this is about the testimony-not the past.




So things changed and as much as I don't want to sound hypocritical and preachy, if I say anything else I must give ALL the credit to God. Forget it-that is the only other way it could have worked out the way it did. A few months earlier I couldn't have conceived sleeping 6 hours a day while at work, I could not even comprehend what I'd do when the 'results' were called in-'cos called in they will, just a matter of time-especially as the odds were against me. Then all of a sudden I had peace-peace that passes all understanding. True. It didn't matter then what happened- I was safe whatever happened...in the hollow of His hands. In retrospect, I think I needed to have reached this place of peace to achieve what I did.

The beginning of the trip - end of January 2012 - my 'boss' told me the 'embargo' had been removed and for no obvious reason too. I am sure they expected me to be ecstatic but in all honesty I could not care less. They had exhausted all the injustice they could met out on me. So officially I had to sit for two exams by the end of March 2012. I was not prepared fully for either at the time, preparation had to begin in full swing.

Bla, bla, bla....and there was drama-big time, high tension uncertainties, the many curve balls, deliberate hurdles placed in my path, the big question- will i fail again? (in its many variants : maybe I will be allowed to fail only one exam-i can deal with that; what if I fail both exams? surely i will be devastated). The last straw that broke the camel's back in summary was that I had to push for a 5 day break after several permutations-and-combinations of the schedule. I left work on Wednesday, caught the night flight back home. Arrived home on Thursday morning. My first exam was scheduled for Monday morning and the second originally scheduled for Friday-originally because my 'detractors' made a quick run for it to be rescheduled for a day earlier. Thankfully (na God o), I sat for the Monday exam - jitters et al- successfully. The last 4 minutes of the 4 hour exam were much longer than the 4 hours I sat for the exam or even the long months I had been harboring writing this exam. Phew! result coming out...I brace up like a man! I passed! I am a moda fing PMP is the song that came to mind. I didn't do the yoo-hooh! like my mind was suggesting. Just chinned up like I pass all the exams I write-lol.

I started walking (as is characteristic of me. It'd seem I think better while walking.). The happiness was supposed to be short-lived on reading my mail. I realized I was expected to travel 24hours earlier than scheduled to make my second exam....that equated to slightly over 24hours away from where I was. Everything began in fast forward...I made the decision to go ahead and do it! Everyone in my 'supporter's club' too agreed. I had to bite the bullet o!- I had only spent about 3 days at home and 1 more day was precious. I had not read for this second exam  at the time-nada, not recently though.So I'd to go prematurely for the exam and it made the already foreboding exam multiple times as hard. I hardly slept the 48hrs after I received the mail and had to juggle my logistics on the d-day! Thankfully (ironically) it was only 1 day-my mind was made up, it was sink or swim.On the d-day and an excruciating 7hours on centre stage, 30mins of deliberation by the examiners that seemed like another 7hours and.... I was home and dry! I passed!!!! I was feeling very drained, so it didn't occur to me to do a yoo-hooh! Truth-be-told, I think 3 weeks later and I am just getting back to myself. I have missed me-welcome back and again Thank God!

My supporter's club una do well o! May we not be alone in this journey called life. Just knowing that one person in the whole world decidedly believs in you makes a world of difference. Remember-yes we can!

The beginning

Finally get back here and oops! everything seems to be gone outta my head-all i had planned to say.

until i get better use of this blog section, i'm deciding to talk more personal stuff on here-about my work, the real life people I interact with, my idiosyncrasies & especially real life situations and my perspective on them. This is similar to 'Ask Aunty Flo' but I'd pass on the Aunty and stick with the 'O' (rhymes innit?)

Seems like a lot to do with a blog that has been dormant for going on 1 year, right? Wrong! Like the saying goes...it is better late than never.

One last thing, this is a disclaimer right from the top-any similarities to situations or people should be taken as purely coincidental. This blog is meant solely for edification-and of course a little ranting.

Selah